I’m a Sagittarius; this means I’m adventurous.
And this rings true for me. I’ve always been wild and daring. I’m always trying something new and exploring the world. But as an adult I am facing anxiety that wasn’t very prevalent in my adolescence. Anxiety and fear are ruling my life; it’s even the reason I gave up blogging for a few years. I live in constant paranoia and I let other people’s opinion of me outweigh my own thoughts. I am slowly starting to overcome my anxiety and breaking away at it bit by bit. Often I think of my goals; in what ways is my anxiety holding me back? There’s a whole list of things I would like to overcome in order to achieve happiness and follow my passions; here are my top three.
Take up photography.
When I was in elementary school I was part of the camera club. I would often be scolded for filling up so many floppy disks with my photography. On vacations as a child I found more entertainment in capturing images than anything else. I even went to tour the Art Institue in Boston my junior year and sat in on a photography lecture. I’ve always wanted to take pictures, but never had the confidence to become a photographer. I find my strength in writing rather than my artistic eye. My friends are all into photography, and my mind constantly compares our art. Rather than seeing that we can all be talented in a rational way, my emotions and fears get the best of me.
Currently, I’ve been uploading my photography on my business page on Instagram and taking baby steps there. I also post photos on my personal Facebook page. But I constantly hush my inner voice telling me to go out and explore, to capture the world.
My best friend has pitched the idea that with one of my future novels I also publish my photography coinciding with the chapters. As much as I love the idea, I just haven’t found my confidence in it yet. My goal is to save up for a professional camera and try to sell prints (or decorate my house with canvases showcasing the moments I’ve caught on film).
Perform in front of an audience.
I never thought I would have a writing career; sure I wanted to publish a book someday, but I never thought it would be the main thing I do. Writing was always a hobby. Growing up I was convinced I would be an actor.
I performed in over twenty plays and musicals by the time I graduated high school, won a Connecticut Performing Art Student award my senior year, won a National Choir award, and attended (one semester) of university studying for my Performing Arts BFA. Theater, music, and performance were my passion.
When I went off to college I discovered I was a little fish in a big pond, when I had grown up as a big fish in a little pond. I lost my confidence and gave up without trying. Eventually I joined a band, but I was kicked out over a miscommunication. Ever since I’ve been to fearful to get back up on stage and be in my rarest, truest form.
I don’t think I’ll ever sing again; but I do daydream of getting back on stage. I am currently writing a book of monologues for actors, so be on the lookout for the possibility of me ragaining confidence and acting out a few.
Start a YouTube channel.
I’ve always been a big YouTube fan, dating back to original Jenna Marbles and Grace Helbig videos. I’ve spent countless hours watching different channels. I use YouTube as my primary source of entertainment.
I’ve always thought about branching into the vlogging world, as it seems like the natural thing for a blogger to do. For people who have been following me since my first blog, you might recall I did give YouTube a shot.
My hesitation stems from my weight.
I am not comfortable in my body. I have struggled with my weight simce giving birth and have been working out and eating healthy(ish) but I can’t seem to lose the weight. I know people are beautiful regardless of size; I see that everyday from inspirations such as BodyPosiPanda on Instagram. I don’t believe that weight equates to a level of attraction. However, I can’t rationalize that for myself. I guess it’s because I’ve been called names like “cow” and “fatass” along with “ugly,” and I take things personally. I know there are trolls riddling the internet, believe me I get a lot on my page. And I know what they say doesn’t mean anything. But it damages my self-esteem each and every time. I’m sensitive. I bruise easily.
I know that if I upload to YouTube I’ll get a new round of trolls and I am not in a place where I can emotionally handle attacks on my weight and appearance. I know I would spiral and be sent into a depression.
However, someday I’d like to be a vlogger. And if I’m being honest, I would really like to start an ASMR channel.